A girl after break up

I have been keeping distance from him now. Even he knows it and fortunately he is fine with it. Before, we used to be continuously on phone talking or at least texting. But few days from today it started becoming one sided before he got the hint that I am getting far from him, also he stopped trying after that. After all his emotions were at stake. I always heard the fact, which I know now for sure, that girls are emotionally stronger than guys. I realized it. 

It had been few days even he hadn't call. I called him yesterday, had a talk for few minutes before he had to go. I received a call from him today, I was having dinner, I told him I will call him back. Which I did, but this time he was on the dining table, complete foodie I tell you, can not miss even a single meal. He said he will call back in 20 minutes, and he did. One of the most amazing things I love about him, he is very punctual and loves to follow the time, unlike me.He called and I was on a night walk.

One thing he hated, which I feel is wrong on his part is, he expects me to talk to him and only him when I am on phone with him, which is not possible at times. And the only thing which pisses him off happened while I was on a walk, he was trying to speak to me and I kept talking to my friend with whom I got to walk every night. But he was quite normal, I guess he didn't want to fight as we were about to talk after a long time. Finally I said. " bolo sarkar", even my mood was fine seeing him quite and calm. Sarcastically he confirmed, "ME?", I smiled and said, " yes baba you", 

"pakka main hi na?"

" ab bol toh" I said.

And as he said the first word of his sentence, I started answering a question my friend asked, completely ignoring him again. He said, "Call me when you are free" and disconnected the call even before I said, "Okay".

I came home and got busy with my stuff. After all I am staying at my friend's aunt's house. She is very cool and kind, but as you know, there are unspoken rules. After an hour I got a message from him saying, " I waited a long time. GN.", I immediately called him, he didn't pick up. Now how should I tell him, he should understand me, I want to be normal with him but he is one rude person.

"HAPPY ENDING"

Does it exist?

Do you believe in one?

Do you really think those words mean any thing?

Is it possible that everyone related to a common thing or a topic or a situation, be really happy?

Does someone has to get hurt?

Does someone has to adjust?

Does someone has to suffer?

Does someone remains UNHAPPY?

Whose happiness do you prefer more?

Who do you think deserves to be happy and remain happy at the end?

Was the sacrifice you, or the some other person for that matter made, worth it?

Was it?

Does anyone have the answers?

To whom do you turn to for the answers?

Are the answers necessary?

After all it was a choice, wasn't it?

Do you deserve to know, if the choice was yours?

Do you want to know?

Would you change the Ending if you could?

Would you still call it a "Happy Ending" ?

So many questions.

Some even worthless.

Some with meanings.

Do all the questions have answers?

Dear _______,

Dear ________,

There is a reason I am writing this letter, and on this day, you know, 14th Feb. I wanted to tell you many things, just talk to you, spend time with you and just be with you. But I never got to do all that. You weren’t available for all this because of many reasons, friends, family, personal reasons. But forget it, I am writing this because as I said I didn't get time to tell you what I feel, what I feel for you.

The thing is, I have started liking you, or rather being honest to myself, ‘I love you’. I don’t know you would believe me or not, probably not and I know why. You would think about my past, won’t you? And the girls in my life, I agree I had them in my life; I was involved with them, but you know what? I never thought at that time we would break up. I really never thought of it. But, we couldn't make it, there were reasons, situations, we had to break up, I never thought of cheating on them, believe me, I was true, you would even think do ‘we’ have future together? We have, trust me, we have.

I am 24 now, I have a job in my hand, I am no more that college going guy, who was immature and didn’t know what was is doing. I am now a guy who knows what he wants and what he is up to. This is not exactly a letter, but, these are the sentences I wanted you hear from me. I know what I am doing, trust me. You make me happy. I am not sure what am I writing, I mean I am sure, 100% sure, what I am doing, I mean with you and me but I am not sure what am I writing, hope you understand. Do you? . On this special day of love I am asking you, will you be my valentine? I want to be with you, I love you, I will never ever hurt you, I will keep you happy, always, and I will make sure there is smile on your face, lifelong. Baby, I love you and I want to marry you of course not now, don’t panic, but yeah somewhere in future, whenever you are ready. I want you to be my life partner.

This is not a joke or a silly prank, this is real, I .....

God !!!!!

I just pray to god you believe me.

And I m telling you too, believe me, I love you and will always do.
The long lasting love, I was never so sure in my life before like I am now.

Trust me.
Love you
Swaraj

What am I suppose to do ?

How can I get her out of my mind? How should I do it? It is getting very difficult for me. We had a discussed and a satisfactory break up, well no break up satisfactory, but yeah, we were okay with it. Even I was, till the day I met her, 6 months after the break up, we met as friends, but when she left....

Man what is this? This is not fair; this shouldn’t be happening with me. Is this obvious? Does this happen with everyone? I am not able to sleep at nights, whenever I close my eyes, her innocent and beautiful face appears, I just visualize her smiling at me, she teasing me in her typical cute ways, hitting me, winking at me, blowing air at my face.

I want to be normal, sleep normally; rather I would love to watch ghosts and monsters instead of her beautiful, cute, sexy, mesmerizing, heavenly, gorgeous, hypnotizing face, whenever I close my eyes. I would not mind that, not at all.

Every song I hear, may it be in Hindi, English, Marathi or even Spanish, (Spanish because language isn’t the bar), I relate the song to her and start missing her. It’s been nearly 12 hours and I have not spoken to her, not even she has sent me a single SMS (text), and these stupid radio stations are continuously playing stupid love songs, damn you RJs. Useless buggers don’t have a heart.

What should I do? We separated for a reason, and that reasons still exists. It is like I can’t be with her and will die if I am not. I don’t even know what is she thinking? Is she missing me the way I do? I hope not, because this is hell, and I can’t see her like that. I shouldn't have met her at the first place. This sucks. Love is just meant for screwing you or may be just half reached love like this.

The name I gave to my blogging account is “The Heart-Mind Connection”, where the hell is it now? Heart wants her, wants her badly and mind thinks practically and has given a solid reason why I shouldn’t be with her, damn you 'my mind'.

What am I suppose to do?

THE AGREEMENT ENDS TODAY

'So, this is it. It all ends today, hey, are you okay ?' I asked. ' Yes I am, at least this is getting over on a positive note.' came the reply. God, how rude is that, I, somewhere in my heart, was expecting a negative response, but she is happy over a " damn positive note". If ever there comes a competition about The most emotionally strongest girl, she is definitely gonna rock. Ladies and gentleman here emerges the new world champion. God, help me.

'Yeah, you are right, we should be happy, after all we both decided this.' I said and continued, ' But its definitely going to feel weird, I mean, I was so in to you for all these years and suddenly its all gonna stop.' I still was hoping, she would say some thing in my favor, but no, I was still at the zilch position. As her back firing sentence was, ' Don't worry re, it all will be fine, you just need to give it some time.'

'Do you really think so ?'

' Yeah, i guess.' she replied.

I remained quite for a long time then, as my long pause was about to end and I was about to open my mouth, of course to say something, she had something to say, ' No its not, its not going to be fine. I am not ever going to be fine, you are not ever going to be fine, nothings fine, nothings fine.'

wohhh, I felt like the king. She was saying the words which I wanted to hear but I spitted some words which I am going to regret till my last breath. What a stupid type of king was I ?

' Cut all your fines, you know what, you were right at first place, now instead of going into all this again we should end this now and here.'

I couldn't look in her eyes, I made her cry one more time. This was the only reason we were here.

' I am sorry.' I said, ' I didn't mean to hurt you, I never ever even in my dreams can bring a thought of hurting you. But this happens, I don't know how but it happens, unknowingly, I never mean it or want it, you know that.'

'I know.' she acknowledged.

' It will really be better if we stop this, I don't want to hurt you even more.' Came out of my mouth. And even before she cloud say anything, I hugged her, kissed her forehead and left.

13

I don’t know how are you going to react after reading this one, but I am writing what I felt when I was in Malaysia on 13^th June on 13^th floor. The hotel was, MANDARIN COURT HOTEL. I was in KL, and the view from the hotel room was awesome. The Twin towers and the KL tower, both were visible from the room. We reached the hotel on 11^th, the day went fine and even 12^th was good, we had a city tour and we were supposed to leave on 13^th morning at 6.00 hours. I slept at 00.30 hours on 13^th.

And then a funny but a real incident started. We had two connected rooms, in one, were my mom and dad and in another were me and my sister. Our room was the fun house, everything started on the thirteenth morning while we were in last night's sleep in Malaysia. My sister was hearing the sound of water, like someone is turning on and off the tap of the basin in the washroom, I on the other hand was continuously disturbed by the talk of people, it seemed like there are people in our room and continuously talking in their language i.e. Malay, I was frustrated and irritated with there talk (and moreover I was not understanding anything, at least talk in Hindi.)

Someone was taking our blankets off us, and this didn’t happen once, this happened a lot of time and surprisingly with both of us, this just cannot be the co incidence, right? And not only taking it off but also scratching my feet as if trying to wake me up. But fortunately, I was a sleeping like hell and didn’t wake up to find out that I am in real hell and that to in my own hotel room, but yes, I could feel the scratching. I asked my mom and dad in the morning that if they were doing that, but that the answer was a straight no.

And again I clearly remember it was around 2.30 in the morning and my dad’s phone started, stated on its own, with no one even near it, it doesn't even have a timer to start on its own, just the music started not even the screen. The music was as if someone has switched on the phone. This I could hear clear and nice and also my sister heard it. But in the morning we found out that is was switched off as was kept the last night. That night was over we got up at 4.00 and left the hotel at 6.00. But 13 didn’t stop following us, we reached the airport in about 80-90 minutes, and till the time we checked in it was 8.30. And the gate number we got was C-13, yes right, C-13, somewhere in my mind it was disturbing me because of the fresh experience I had about the number-‘13’. The flight was at 9.30 and we were waiting there till 9.15 and no one was showing up. Almost 45 minutes had passed and no one was there. Then came our tour manager running towards us, we had a sigh of relief. But he came for a different reason, he was not here for the flight but to search us, because the flight was at gate C-31 and not C-13, it was a misprint on our boarding passes.

Some how we made it till gate C-31 in time or rather on time, but we had to run a lot, almost more than half a kilometer. The KL airport is very very big. We reached Chennai, and then to Mumbai, now I was feeling better, people around me were talking in Hindi and Marathi felt like I am at home. Feeling better for one more reason that the 13^th day of the month had passed, just few more hours to go. We boarded the flight to Nagpur, but it didn’t stop following us, the seat I got was 13-B.

Life Of My Own

Life of my own,

Owns it no one,

Neither any living being,

Nor any emotion.

Many things in life,

Important is what I decide,

No shame in it,

Nothing to hide, nothing to confide.

I want to be aloof,

No one gets close,

No one becomes important,

Far everyone goes.

Connected to nothing,

Want to get out of my own mind,

So when I go forever,

I don't leave my heart behind.

Life of my own,

Owns it no one,

Neither any living being,

Nor any emotion.